Posts
"Love wants to reach out and manhandle us,
Break all our teacup talk of God...
The Beloved sometimes wants
To do us a great favor:
Hold us upside down
And shake all the nonsense out."
Hafiz (Tired of Speaking Sweetly)
I haven't posted anything in the past two months. It seems that sometimes all energy is absorbed by the process of merely surviving. This spring has without question been one of the most difficult periods of life that I can recall. Without going into too much detail I will just say that beyond going through an unexpected pregnancy in a new community and struggling through the normal ups and downs of deployment, I have also had to face some other very frightening situations that have shaken me to the core of my being. There have been moments when like Elijah, I wanted to say : "It is enough, Lord, take my life..." (I Kings 19:4)
As morbid as that sounds, the good news is that I am still here. I am not the same person that I was a year ago or even a few months ago. The little things that used to upset me don't seem to be even a blip on the radar anymore. I have had amazing help from friends, loved ones, and sometimes strangers at the right times, when I needed to know that I wasn't completely alone. But parts of the journey have been solitary, because I needed to face myself and God in a very real way.
I am not sharing any of this to be either macabre or overly dramatic. I find it encouraging that things that we think will be our undoing can actually have the power to remake us. The process is anything but enjoyable, but inner strength and resilience are built during those times in a way that cannot be replicated through any other means. The "nonsense" is indeed shaken out and we are given an ability to see more clearly and love more purely.
There is much to look forward to in the upcoming months. In about eight weeks, our daughter will be entering the world and I cannot wait to meet her. The boys will have their own challenges and triumphs as well as a little sister to love and help care for. And at some point this deployment will be over and Alan will be home. My hope is that the events of the past few months have better equipped me to be a loving parent, partner, and human being. In that case it has all been more than worth it.
